Article: Alexandra's Journey of Transformation, Spirituality and Self-Discovery
Alexandra's Journey of Transformation, Spirituality and Self-Discovery
Photo by JonC
Striving for Acceptance and the Weight of Expectations
My Name is Alexandra McCue and in my early twenties, I resided in Newport, South Wales. Summer was at its peak when I found myself enveloped in despair. The weight of striving to be the person my family would love and accept had taken its toll on my soul. Feeling like a burden that weighed them down, misunderstood and utterly exhausted, a strange moment took place inside my head. I had come to the decision to end my life. The thought, so strong, was totally unwavered by anything, like an absolute. It all sounds so dramatic now, but it was dramatic, when your emotions are that haywire, your mind, body and soul simply cannot endure anymore pain and your brain will try to find the ‘easiest’ option to vacate. So it was final, I was to leave this existence, one way or another to release the burdens I carried and finally find the peace I craved. I thought about drinking bleach or walking in the road, until, they’re glowing in front of me was the medicine cabinet. The decision was clear, I was to consume all the pills in the medicine cabinet and finally rid us all of this emotional turmoil we couldn’t seem to handle.
A Cry for Understanding
When my family discovered what I had done, they dismissed it as a mere cry for attention. I remember looking up at the sky at that moment, “Have you had your show now? Why can’t you just let me go, have I not suffered enough?”. The longing for release intensified. During my time in the hospital, a psychiatric nurse emphasised the gravity of my actions. She made it clear that had I not expelled the pills from my system or combined them with alcohol, I would have faced irreversible consequences. She proceeded to ask the standard questions about my future intentions, to which, like a dutiful child, I lied and assured her I had no plans to repeat such an act. Deep down, however, I secretly contemplated another attempt once I returned home. Little did I know at the time what I was truly missing.
A Journey of Revelation and Missed Opportunities
During that week, James, a friend from Bath paid me a visit and insisted I accompany him back to the city, promising captivating scenery. Reluctantly, I agreed, and together, we embarked on a journey of discovery through the breath-taking beauty of Bath. Sitting atop a hill, overlooking the picturesque landscape, a profound realisation washed over me. It was as if something reached into the depths of my mind, resuscitating my thoughts. I breathed in deeply, absorbing the magnificence that surrounded me, and turned to James in astonishment.
"Oh my God," I exclaimed. "I can't believe I nearly missed out on all of this! Just a few days ago, James, I could have ceased to exist. What's wrong with me?"
From that transformative moment, an insatiable thirst for understanding the purpose of my existence and the inner workings of the world consumed me. I longed to delve deep, comprehending the reasons and mechanisms behind it all. The clarity I experienced in Bath ignited an inner desire to share this newfound perspective with others who might find themselves in a similar state.
Not long after my revelations in Bath, love graced my life. Working at a local bar, I found myself irresistibly drawn to someone, our connection magnetic. In an effort to impress him and become the person I longed to be, I rewrote the narrative of my life. The transformation was remarkable. I firmly believe that certain individuals enter our lives to inspire us to reach our full potential. Over the course of the following years, as our relationship flourished, I made significant changes. I bid farewell to my job at the bar, embarked on a career at The Celtic Manor, pursued a course in Travel & Tourism, and even ventured into part-time modelling, with aspirations of making it my full-time profession. Our love was deep and unwavering, and we remained together for seven remarkable years.
Photo by JonC
Embracing a New Chapter
During my time in Wales, shortly after completing my diploma in Travel & Tourism, Bethan, an old school friend presented me with an opportunity involving a renowned Global Wellness brand. It appeared to be the perfect complement to my modelling aspirations. Following initial meetings and planning, I embarked on a new chapter that would transform my life. Attending local talks and larger-scale meetings, I became captivated by the stories of others and their triumphant journeys through adversity. The presence of professional mindset coaches in these gatherings sparked countless "aha" moments, propelling me forward.
I became deeply immersed in this new journey, dedicating myself to the wellness business for several years. However, it became apparent that my true passion lay in connecting with people through their stories, rather than merely promoting products. Supporting and building teams became my forte, as I longed to share my own experiences.
Driven by this newfound realisation, I enrolled in one of the mindset courses offered by the wellness brand. It was a pivotal moment when I shifted my focus inward, seeking answers from within rather than relying on external validation. Through tears and introspection, I unearthed the raw emotions I had long suppressed. The depths of my true feelings astonished me. It became clear that we often bury our emotions, soldiering on without acknowledging the pain that lies within—especially when we come from families who struggle to express their own emotions due to their upbringing.
Photo by JonC
Overcoming Limiting Beliefs and Seeking Authenticity
For several years, I embarked on this personal journey, making significant strides within the wellness business. However, I felt a sense of being held back, and the reasons eluded me. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had been attempting to cover my wounds with metaphorical bandages, striving for success to regain acceptance. Yet no matter how vigorously I pushed, obstacles remained. I eventually realised that healing cannot be rushed; it demands patience and genuine self-care.
It wasn’t easy, this transformative period I was going through, I would argue with myself a lot, setbacks and failures inevitably arose and without the proper support or environment, the emotions I had unearthed triggered moments of self-sabotage. I found myself reaffirming my own limiting beliefs, succumbing to thoughts of unworthiness or seeking distractions to mask my sadness.
As my long-term relationship came to an end, prompted by our growing apart and my own volatility, I made the decision to return to Worthing, West Sussex. 1 year later, during a spiritual festival, the final pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I struggled to immerse myself fully in the activities, an overwhelming surge of emotions kept bubbling to the surface. Feeling a sense of embarrassment, I withdrew from the crowd and allowed my bare feet to guide me. They led me to a tent adorned with a sign that read "Shamanic Healing." Intrigued, I peered inside and was greeted warmly by a woman engrossed in her artwork. She inquired about the purpose of my visit and offered her assistance. It was only then, I became quickly Overwhelmed by unexplainable tears, I attempted to dismiss them as a fleeting episode. Yet, she encouraged me to explore the underlying cause of my anger. She explained how shamanic healing worked, reluctantly, I acquiesced and lay down upon the mat.
What unfolded over the next ninety minutes was a extraordinary. Through visualisations and introspection, I delved into the depths of my anger, connecting with my inner child and unearthing the pain I had long neglected. It was as if my inner child were consumed by fury, enraged at enduring a lifetime of hardships while being dismissed by my conscious self. I recognised the pattern of seeking solace in relationships that triggered my deepest wounds, all the while disregarding the pain that resonated within my inner child. This experience proved profound and enlightening, In this breathtaking moment, everything started to make sense! Illuminating a path of true self-discovery and healing.
Photo by JonC
From Spiritual Teacher to Life Coach
Now, in the present day, family life is flourishing. Together, we have become stronger. Working through and overcoming difficult conversations, taking accountability and acknowledging each others individual story, as we were all different versions of who we are today. My experience has lead me to become a Spiritual Teacher, Colourologist and Life Coach. My purpose is to guide others by understanding themselves on a deeper level. through the modality of Colour and Numerology and help them navigate towards their true calling. I’ve proven to myself, by choosing myself and actively listening to the needs of my inner being, my mind has found solace, and my inner child feels seen and acknowledged. Although I am grateful for the individuals who played a part in my journey, I have come to understand that the true adventure lies within us, not outside ourselves. When we embark on this inward journey, we discover that we are never lacking, for everything we seek can be found within.
Follow Alexandra's journey:
Personal Instagram: @itsalexandramccuePersonal Facebook: @itsalexandramccue
Business Instagram: @soultonecoaching
Business Facebook: @soultonecoaching
